The Coaching Experience: Searching for myself!

Something is wrong and I can’t fix it (yet)

My coaching journey continues and something I wasn’t expecting happened. I crashed a few days back. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. In my first post on my coaching I explained that I really wanted to find myself again and make that work for me. But what hit me after starting the process is something I did not see coming at all. I have had to discover that this journey is also about learning new things about ourselves –both positive and negative. From life experience getting to point out the things that are not good about us is a very difficult process. And as I got into this journey I am fully aware that I am not being coached because there is something wrong with me, but it’s to get me to a better space. However, through my reflections and through the exercises I I’ve been doing I couldn’t really resist going there , to that space where as you process the challenging task of making an effort to be self-aware you instinctively search  for what is wrong with you, that thing that needs fixing so you can be a better person. There must have been an animal making me the kind of person I so desperately want to change. So I inevitably started looking for the wrong this about me in this regard.

I did and it broke me.

Initially all I did all I could to remain positive and focused. I tried hard to protect myself from the harshness of confronting the personal. It is a very challenging process; in the moment, I almost hated myself. But then, who said the coaching journey would be easy? I remain the same girl still burying myself in my work and reading -I was hoping that would be fixed as soon as possible, I was hoping that I would make an effort to become more relational with people- in the hope that I ‘d get to know that girl’s relational side . I was there in that space –nothing changed. It is a journey right and a process. I wanted everything to be perfect and to flow from day 1 I guess it’s the NGO syndrome –it’s always about results never mind how you get there. Reading through the reflections I have been penning in my journal is not motivating at all. I am failing to be kind to myself.

It’s almost as if ever since I started the search to find myself I am alternating between multiple identities shaped by my past experiences. Some of which I chose to ignore yet they needed to be resolved. Past hurts that I thought I would ward off by simply making a decision to ignore them. Every time I sit to reflect, they are there waiting to pounce on my thoughts, scurrying t to control and remind me of where I have been.  In noting this ,I am learning that whiles life moves forward your everyday life is almost like you are re-living what you have been through (the good and the bad) from the time you were a child till now. It’s true what they say the past shapes the future. I never in a single moment imagined that a lot of my life experiences would come flooding in through this process and for me this seemed not good in the moment.

I am not bashing myself against the wall and trust me, I hate negativity and when I found myself reeling with negative thoughts I tried to work on stopping them to a point of frustration. That’s when I made a decision to just let it be. I will reflect on the things I think need fixing even though this journey is not about fixing. I will reflect on what low esteem has stolen from me. I will reflect on the time I lost loving people who didn’t love me back. I will reflect on that one time when my heart was shredded right before me and I couldn’t do anything about it. This man walked away with his dignity and I didn’t. He got it all then almost like It was his reward for hurting me.  I will reflect on the pains of trusting people who didn’t deserve it. I will reflect on the times when things were hard , whenI almost thought I’d lost a chance to a dignified future and the struggle to get out of those thoughts, I will reflect on feeling helpless watching the people I love suffer , I will reflect on loss.

I also noted that my peers on this journey had reflections which seemed better than mine. Spurred up and all. But I wasn’t. It worries me yet my mind is not letting me go. Maybe I should go through this and work through it. Maybe the fixing mode is not so good after all. I find everything is a struggle but as always I will try to push through.

And the questioning continues where I can find myself –some sweet healing to save the day. ?

(This blog was due some weeks back but I had to hold on to it. I wasn’t so sure what to do with it. I felt that the reflections would expose me on this public space but today as I posted it. It feels vulnerably liberating to know that I can be true to myself and to the commitment I made. Even now I continue to struggle in this space but I am hopeful I have you reading it –I have the consolation that this might help someone.. Much love.

Continue reading “Something is wrong and I can’t fix it (yet)”

Include my voice

Celebrating Andrea Bocelli

My evenings these days are musically filled but they remain calm and quiet. there is so much pressure around me and I am not sure if this phase will end at any point in my life. I struggle to find time to relax and build on the few things which glamour has not not stolen from the world . For instance I miss talking to people having a genuine conversation that has nothing to do with work. just to talk about the weather would do..In the dusty streets of where I come from. I long and yearn to hear that ice cream bell , noises and voices. my world is a bit silent at the moment because I feel drowned. As I realize this I am working on lifting this shadow up to reclaim the very things that bring life to my being…and it all started with Music. 

I feel that listening to Music is an art. Music offers a liberating space for reflection and I always put skill, time , commitment and passion in selecting the kind of music I listen to. Growing up, music was  just teenage thing , a craze rather, where we would listen to Music according to the trends of the top radio hit list or whatever song my cool cousin brother was listening to. adding to that it was also because I needed people to sign in my ”auto book” so it had to be cool and well arranged with enough lyrics of songs to get the cool peers want to sign in it.  When the Autobook era ended, we got saved and forgot about music and somehow my musical identity got lost. A decade and a half later , I find myself tracing back to my early music journey , just to find out what  to listen  to and live with now as I get older by the day. It has been challenging a  process because now they are trillions of musicians who ”excel in one hit wonders”.  I just can’t keep up with the music ,the dances , the lyrics ,and their dressing. I have also done myself a favor in that regard-I acknowledge that I am getting old fast.

So as a way of toning down, I have religious late night episodes of listening to music ..Beautiful as it comes , not really choosing what to listen to but carefully winding into genres, I never would have given an ear in my early years. Opera is one such genre. A friend introduced me to Andrea Bocelli and I have grown to really appreciate what humility and passion can contribute to song.  I felt that I needed to pen a bit  on this guy because his music is not only the exceptional thing about him. I actually find his background more interesting than his music. 

The Blind Man who lights the world with Music

His life story in summary would have been a sad one , Born partially blind , he became  totally blind after a soccer accident at 12 and went on to get a Phd in law before he decided to  change his career to music . The visually impaired, Tuscany-born, vocalist has emerged as one of the most exciting voices in contemporary opera. I refer to this story in my moments of seeking true and genuine inspiration. In his state he must have seen something  within himself to get to where he is. the fight did not begin with him, it started with his mother who refused to abort him against the advice of the doctors who had predicted that he would be disabled. I respect her she fought for her foetus now barely recognised as humans. But who would have known? 

So tonight i just want to celebrate Andrea , to honour him for the 70 million records he has sold, and for him just brightening up my musical life. 

After my interaction with his music and his life story, I have the same dreams for the visually impaired in our lifetime. I hope they see within themselves and become. Helen Keller did. If anything it’s a prayer. Image