My coaching journey continues and something I wasn’t expecting happened. I crashed a few days back. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. In my first post on my coaching I explained that I really wanted to find myself again and make that work for me. But what hit me after starting the process is something I did not see coming at all. I have had to discover that this journey is also about learning new things about ourselves –both positive and negative. From life experience getting to point out the things that are not good about us is a very difficult process. And as I got into this journey I am fully aware that I am not being coached because there is something wrong with me, but it’s to get me to a better space. However, through my reflections and through the exercises I I’ve been doing I couldn’t really resist going there , to that space where as you process the challenging task of making an effort to be self-aware you instinctively search for what is wrong with you, that thing that needs fixing so you can be a better person. There must have been an animal making me the kind of person I so desperately want to change. So I inevitably started looking for the wrong this about me in this regard.
I did and it broke me.
Initially all I did all I could to remain positive and focused. I tried hard to protect myself from the harshness of confronting the personal. It is a very challenging process; in the moment, I almost hated myself. But then, who said the coaching journey would be easy? I remain the same girl still burying myself in my work and reading -I was hoping that would be fixed as soon as possible, I was hoping that I would make an effort to become more relational with people- in the hope that I ‘d get to know that girl’s relational side . I was there in that space –nothing changed. It is a journey right and a process. I wanted everything to be perfect and to flow from day 1 I guess it’s the NGO syndrome –it’s always about results never mind how you get there. Reading through the reflections I have been penning in my journal is not motivating at all. I am failing to be kind to myself.
It’s almost as if ever since I started the search to find myself I am alternating between multiple identities shaped by my past experiences. Some of which I chose to ignore yet they needed to be resolved. Past hurts that I thought I would ward off by simply making a decision to ignore them. Every time I sit to reflect, they are there waiting to pounce on my thoughts, scurrying t to control and remind me of where I have been. In noting this ,I am learning that whiles life moves forward your everyday life is almost like you are re-living what you have been through (the good and the bad) from the time you were a child till now. It’s true what they say the past shapes the future. I never in a single moment imagined that a lot of my life experiences would come flooding in through this process and for me this seemed not good in the moment.
I am not bashing myself against the wall and trust me, I hate negativity and when I found myself reeling with negative thoughts I tried to work on stopping them to a point of frustration. That’s when I made a decision to just let it be. I will reflect on the things I think need fixing even though this journey is not about fixing. I will reflect on what low esteem has stolen from me. I will reflect on the time I lost loving people who didn’t love me back. I will reflect on that one time when my heart was shredded right before me and I couldn’t do anything about it. This man walked away with his dignity and I didn’t. He got it all then almost like It was his reward for hurting me. I will reflect on the pains of trusting people who didn’t deserve it. I will reflect on the times when things were hard , whenI almost thought I’d lost a chance to a dignified future and the struggle to get out of those thoughts, I will reflect on feeling helpless watching the people I love suffer , I will reflect on loss.
I also noted that my peers on this journey had reflections which seemed better than mine. Spurred up and all. But I wasn’t. It worries me yet my mind is not letting me go. Maybe I should go through this and work through it. Maybe the fixing mode is not so good after all. I find everything is a struggle but as always I will try to push through.
And the questioning continues where I can find myself –some sweet healing to save the day. ?
(This blog was due some weeks back but I had to hold on to it. I wasn’t so sure what to do with it. I felt that the reflections would expose me on this public space but today as I posted it. It feels vulnerably liberating to know that I can be true to myself and to the commitment I made. Even now I continue to struggle in this space but I am hopeful I have you reading it –I have the consolation that this might help someone.. Much love.