Never in my life did I ever imagine that I would be an investigation guru until I got to the dating stage. Now I do it with so much precision, Harare Central Police Officers should consider hiring me for high profile cases where they need background information on some of the criminals they are hunting for. There is nothing wrong with a woman employing some extra skills right? Eish, the things that life teaches us!! As a young attractive woman I meet different prospective men in my life and so do all the other women of the world. After nursing a couple of heart wrenching breakups you begin to develop what I call Survival Complexity Abilities which anchor or protect your heart from major setbacks which bad relationships bring.
So how do I do this: This trade, I must confess I learnt it from my sister who had good intentions for her little sister. I have so many sisters by the way, so I will not mention her name lest Private Investigators should clog her for her articulate for services but I must say she is good. As a young girl entering the dating game, I would always rush to my sister and let her know about any prospective partner. It would escape me, each time she would ask me if I knew the guy very well. My naïve response would come in handy. Of course, why would I introduce a guy I didn’t know to my sister who is family after all? Following this response, the grilling would come in the following sequence:
• What’s his full name?
• Which school did he go to?
• Is he intelligent?
• Is he respectful?
• Who are his friends?
• Where does he work?
• What does he do for a living?
• Are you sure he is not married?
• Where does he stay and do you have the address?
• How can you be so sure that he likes you?
• How many are they in their family and what does his siblings do?
• Which subjects did he do at A-level? (this one comes all the time)
• Is he cute?
• Will he fit into the Sengayi’s? (Apparently we are a happy bunch).
• Does he drink smoke?
• What’s his style like
• Is he the husband type?
• What are his temperament levels?
• Any information on his past relationships?
• Why did his last relationship end?
And many more. Of course I would find most of them irrelevant and what would really irk me about this whole experience was that by the time I decided to tell my sister about a prospective man she would grill me over his in-depth identity before I even had the opportunity to figure out whether I had any intentions to date whoever she was grilling me for about or not. So I let her be for a while until I had the biggest heartbreak of them all. Some men always find a way to do this.
Heart break of the Century
Every sane girl with some measure of authentic values never dreams of dating a married man. Worse still a married man purporting to be single. I used to brag and tell my friends that I can smell a married man who is 2000 kilometers away. I was too holy for that. But I was wrong. So I met this guy who was almost ideal. When I look back I had one of the most amazing dating experience even though it was for a short time. He was so respectful, warm and abnormally responsible. I had no reason to doubt him. And to top it all he was a writer. Now that was the cherry on top. Any woman would dream of having a man with a vision which is similar to hers so that we can talk and do what we love the most to the ends of the earth together. So we got all loving each other and I swear I checked whether he was married or not from his friends. In the two months we had some kind of a relationship, he gave me no reason to suspect that there was something misplaced about him.
But as fate would have it I found out . The Author published a book and all books have biographies at the back cover. Being an avid reader, he underestimated my relationship with INNOV 8, my favorite bookshop. As a serial book buyer, I got into my favorite shop and saw a book which hadn’t been talked about on the shelves. Ah what kind?? All this time I was being told that I am writing a book and getting narrations from something that had been published. But as I read the back cover on the bio of the Author I was broken and thrown into a pit of the fire of guilt. The bastard was married with a wife and had two children worth mentioning at the back cover of the book. How dull was this man; thinking that I would miss this when I all I live for is finding and creating good reads? I didn’t buy the book and may he plead with his ancestors that the spirit of naming and shaming doesn’t befall me in this article.
So I went home and didn’t cry neither did I communicate to end it. I fell into an untold silence. What I do know is he has since published a number of other books which I will not buy. But I did go after his friends and they will always remember me. After that experience I reflected and realized that my sister wasn’t fussy after all. I then decided to become an investigation prowess lest I get stripped of my dignity in important circles. From that day if a guy shows interest I leave no stone unturned. If I am really serious I can even give you your O-level results and tell you the exact time you were born. Yes I am that bad. So I joined forces with my sisters and my friends and we made a pact that we were going to look out for each other.
The Investigative Experience
My investigating experience has not been easy. I’ve had to find out things I wished weren’t true. The very things I didn’t want to believe about some men who are seemingly good. Hear me ladies this process is necessary. Over time some of my friends have had to cry on my weary shoulderafter discovering that a man is married after they are pregnant. Now that is a full cart to deal with when all you were supposed to do to save yourself was to find out who he works with and email one or two people, get to know who his siblings are and who their friends are and get the information you want on him and his family. It has been a learning experience and now I do not only use it on potential partners I use it for the other people in my circle. Better to be safe than sorry. Protection is the concept of the condom. I’m sure I don’t need to explain that.
So this is how I do it and remember do not be afraid of getting caught.
1. Do a Google search- Someone’s Social Media behavior gives you an average of 50% of the information you need. Most men have fallen at this stage. The language, tone of the posts, and general commenting activity can tell you a lot about someone’s character and where he is coming from. And the pictures will give a visual idea of what he is capable of doing in different circumstances.
2. The next stage: Some people are rather deceptive on the Social Media Accounts so step number two is usually to verify if what you got on their Facebook or Google plus status is true. ( by the way Google is my favorite brand). This will get you more information. This is when you get to find out who is in his circles and befriend them with an objective agenda. (Remember they are also a potentially dangerous element in the positive or the negative). Ask the basic of open ended questions and don’t be so direct with this group of people remembering they are dangerous.
3. The workplace is a place which should be respected but a man who does not align you with his workmates in some way; trivial or evasive is very dangerous. Here is why: People have some level of respect at work because of how they behave there. So the conduct of his workmates around him can tell you a lot about a guy especially his levels of ascertaining responsibility. You don’t have to go to his workplace, just find someone who knows someone there to do it for you. Remember dignity is to be maintained the whole time. That’s where his livelihood comes from so a lot of information can come from there. If he doesn’t work try his schoolmates at all levels from primary school to tertiary level. After all you need to know how educated your man is? This is very critical ladies you’d rather date a man less educated than you are out of choice than be deceived into it. The cost will choke you out of life.
4. Church for me is a little bit tricky. I’ve met men from church and I run all the time. This is me. We have this thing of assuming holiness at church. God bless our souls. If only we could put out heart and true characters to worship then some of us wouldn’t have joined the ZRP of dating but hey look at me now. Clad in Uniform and looking good and safe in it.
5. If he manages to sail through this step. EXPOSE HIM to your friends first and if he is worth it, to your family preferably those of your age who also have an investigative eye which is better than yours. In our culture its wiser to start from there.
6. Any unclear things you then ask him with evidence from all the other sources I highlighted above. This part is important. Never ask a man about things you don’t have evidence for. He will find the leverage to lie once he gets to know that you are tipped from ignorance. Knowledge is power.
This should be done before you get into a relationship with someone, at a point where you are more objective and critical of yourself. Investigating after you start dating for me defeats the whole purpose because we tend to shut down when we are in love and can hardly listen to anyone. Now this advice ladies comes with much opposition but it has saved many. Some people say desperate women go about investigating man. But what is so desperate about protecting yourself about things that are hazardous to your life? You must investigate ladies. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
I have been caught a number of times but that does not stop me at all. In fact in the last investigative epic we both went to investigate each other from the same person. It was quite a hilarious moment but then men do it also. Usually after I get caught I become more aggressive about the search. So why not us!! I also get other people to investigate for me in cases where I feel it’s volatile for me to trade. Whilst we do some measure of investigating, my call in this blog article is for us to go deeper and be a bit more through on this whole “getting to know someone thing”. Some women have died because they chose not to know before they got into the relationships, some woke up with bruises, some found out after they got married that he had been divorced 50 times, some realized that he couldn’t keep a job, that some were criminals and elevated misers who couldn’t even spare a cent for anything. You have to know before you get into a relationship. Don’t be caught by the things you don’t know!!
This Bog Article is dedicated to the Sengayi girls..love you guys hope I didn’t let too many cats out of the bag lol!!